Coping With Infidelity

Most committed relationships, whether marital or non-marital, are
formed with the implicit understanding and expectations of both
partners that the union will be based on mutual trust and exclusivity.
This trust is typically characterized by sexual exclusivity and a
shared bond of emotional intimacy reserved only unto the couple.

When one partner commits infidelity by cheating on the other, this
delicate trust is breached and may never be regained. The emotional
fallout which ensues is devastating not only to the partner who has
been cheated on, but to other family members, and friends as well. But,
just as commonly, the fallout can also be devastating to the one who's
done the cheating. Whether the relationship ultimately ends as a result
of the infidelity, or manages to endure, it is a sure bet that the
lives of both partners - the victim and the partner who has cheated -
will be forever changed by this experience.

The three types of affairs
Affairs generally fall into one of the three following categories:
Coffin Nail Affairs, Warning Shot Affairs or Compulsive Affairs. If you
are the victim of an infidelity, or are currently engaged in an affair
or your partner has recently discovered that you have been cheating,
you should try to understand exactly which of these categories the
affair falls into.

Coffin nail affairs
An affair of this type is one in which the cheating partner has
decided that he or she wants to end their primary relationship. Rather
than confront the issues associated with a breakup directly, however,
the cheating partner instead chooses an affair as a means of effecting
the breakup. In effect, the affair is the last nail in the
relationship's coffin. Affairs of this type can either be of short or
long duration.

Warning shot affairs
An affair of this type is one in which the cheating partner does not
really desire or intend to end his or her primary relationship, but
instead, is wanting to get the attention of his or her partner. Though
the logic of this is convoluted, the purpose is to let the partner know
that there is some deficiency in the relationship which, from the
cheater's perspective, threatens its continued viability, if it is not
corrected. In effect, this type of affair is akin to firing a salvo
alongside the relationship's bow - a warning shot, if you will.
Generally, warning shot affairs are one-time occurrences of short
duration.

Compulsive affairs
Affairs of this type are ones in which the cheating partner is
compelled to have the affair. This compulsion has less to do with the
state of the cheating partner's primary relationship, than it does with
the character of the cheating partner. People who engage in compulsive
affairs are generally philanderers who suffer from commitment phobia,
validation obsession, sexual addiction or character disorders such as
antisocial, histrionic, narcissistic or borderline personality.
Generally, partners who fit this profile engage in repeated affairs,
and/or multiple concurrent affairs, including one night stands and
affairs of longer duration.

What sustains affairs?
Affairs are frequently facilitated and sustained by a psychological
phenomenon known as compartmentalization. Compartmentalisation consists
of disconnecting conscious awareness from feeling. Thus, in the case of
a cheating partner, the partner manages to separate (or place into a
compartment, if you will) the conscious awareness of the affair, and
the repercussions associated with it, from feelings of guilt and shame,
which are banished to a separate compartment. This bifurcation process
is aided and abetted by the excitement that the affair creates, based
on its secrecy and forbidden qualities. In the case of "normal,"
feeling individuals, however, there is frequently a bleeding-through of
the compartments.

This leads to bouts of guilt, shame, anxiety or
depression. This bleed-through is frequently shored-up, however,
through a continued loss of interest in the primary relationship,
contrasting with the stimulation and vibrancy of the affair.

In the case of those individuals who are perennial philanderers,
there is a general lack of integration in the structure of their
personalities to begin with. Hence, compartmentalization does not
require much effort, it is simply a part of who they are. This means
that their capacity to feel guilt and shame over their philandering is
remote at best. For this reason these individuals are highly unlikely
to change their ways.

Are you a victim?
If you have recently discovered that your partner is or has recently
cheated on you, chances are you are in a state of shock and
experiencing profound emotional pain. At its very core, infidelity is
one of the most selfish, cruel, and loveless acts of betrayal that one
partner can perpetrate on the other.

Its effects are so profound that you are likely to experience a
broad range of emotions including rage, jealousy, fear, uncertainty,
panic and shame. You may also be experiencing involuntary physical
reactions such as vomiting, diarrhoea, panic attacks, sleeplessness,
nightmares, and an inability to eat.

You may even have lashed out physically at your partner, screamed, thrown objects or even considered suicide or homicide.

Lastly, since your self-esteem has been assaulted, you may be
feeling inadequate, unattractive or discarded. Whatever the mix of
emotions you are experiencing, just know that they are normal in every
respect, because after all, this infidelity has shattered the very
heart of your relationship - the purity and trust on which it depended
and thrived.

So you, as the victim of this awful act of betrayal, are perfectly
justified in your experience of these very compelling emotional and
physical reactions. Be assured that over time, and with the support of
family and friends, and perhaps professional counseling, the pain will
ease and you will heal. Whether your relationship will survive and heal
is another matter, however.

Are you a cheat?
If you are currently engaged in an affair, unbeknownst to your
partner, or have recently been caught cheating, you are very likely
experiencing two of the most compelling of all human emotions: Guilt
and shame. You may be feeling this guilt and shame regardless of
whether you intend to end your current relationship or hope to revive
it.

The reason you may be feeling guilt and shame is because you know on
a very core level that your actions have betrayed the very foundation
on which your relationship depends: Trust.
Furthermore, if your infidelity has been discovered by your partner,
or you fear that it might soon be, then you may be beginning to
understand the repercussions of your actions, and their devastating
effect on your partner, your family and friends and most particularly
your children, if you have them.

The realisation that you have caused so much hurt can feel like an
insufferable burden, and can result in unexpected anxiety or
depression. The good news is that if you are experiencing guilt and
shame, then it's a good indication that you are a normal, feeling
person. One who has simply acted in conflict with his or her
fundamental values. In order to recover from this fully, you will need
to forgive yourself for your actions. But, you can expect this to be a
long and painful process. This is perhaps best accomplished with the
help of a trained mental health professional.

Can the relationship be saved?
If you are involved in a relationship wherein your partner is
cheating, or has recently cheated on you, you need to determine the
type of affair he or she is or was engaged in. If the affair is a
Coffin Nail Affair, then the choice to save your relationship is not
even yours to make. Because by its very definition, your partner is or
was engaged in this affair as a means of effecting the breakup of your
relationship. Thus, it is best to say goodbye and get on with the
business of healing your wounded heart.

If your partner is or was engaged in a Compulsive Affair, then your
relationship is not worth saving. You need to end it immediately,
despite the fact that your partner may not wish to do so. The thing to
remember about a compulsive philanderer is that they can't help but
cheat, since it is part of who they are.

Furthermore, the remorse, if any, your partner feels over your
discovery of his or her affair, has more to do with being found out,
and the fear of losing his or her primary source of security, i.e. you,
than it does with concern for your damaged heart. Therefore, as with a
Coffin Nail Affair, you need to break away from this person, and move
forward with your life immediately. To do otherwise, will relegate you
to a life of repeated betrayals, distrust and shattered self-esteem.

By contrast, if you can definitely rule out that the affair your
partner is or was engaged in is neither a Coffin Nail Affair nor a
Compulsive Affair, and instead confirm that it is or was a Warning Shot
Affair, then your relationship could potentially be salvaged and
revitalised.

In fact, it is quite common that affairs of this type can force both
partners to confront their relationship issues head on, resulting in a
renewed commitment and a stronger bond. But, be aware that this can be
a slow, painful process in which reaching a place of forgiveness and
renewed trust is critical to a successful outcome.